TIRCIA · General public
Understanding your emotions
What emotions are for, and how to listen to them without being overwhelmed
By Marie-Agnès Thulliez · Author · Publishing Director6-minute read
Fear, anger, sadness, joy, shame: our emotions pass through us all day long. Sometimes they help us, sometimes they overwhelm us. Many of us have learned to hide them, judge them or fight them.
This article offers another way of seeing them: as useful messages that we can learn to listen to without being carried away.
What are emotions for?
An emotion is a rapid reaction of the whole body to something that matters to us. It brings together three things: sensations in the body (a racing heart, a tight throat, warmth), thoughts, and an urge to act.
Each emotion carries a message:
| Emotion | What it signals | What it prompts us to do |
|---|---|---|
| Fear | Possible danger | Protect ourselves, get away, ask for help |
| Anger | A boundary crossed, an injustice | Stand up for ourselves, set a boundary |
| Sadness | A loss | Slow down, seek comfort |
| Joy | Something good for us | Move closer to it, share it |
| Disgust | Something harmful | Reject it, move away |
| Shame | The feeling of being judged badly, of falling short in other people's eyes | Hide, make ourselves small |
Every emotion has its place. Anger can protect, sadness can bring us closer to others. Difficulties arise when an emotion is too strong, lasts too long, or no longer fits the situation.
Why we sometimes feel overwhelmed
The brain has an alarm system that reacts very quickly, even before we have had time to think. When we are tired, stressed or unwell, or after difficult experiences, this alarm becomes more sensitive. A harmless remark can then trigger an outsized reaction.
After trauma, this system can stay on alert: we sometimes react to the present with the force of a past wound. If this sounds familiar, this article may help: What is trauma?.
Conversely, some people feel almost nothing any more: they feel empty, cut off from themselves. This is often a way of protecting oneself when emotions have been too painful. This numbness deserves as much attention as being overwhelmed.
What the research says
Putting feelings into words often helps to calm them. In a brain imaging study, 30 adults looked at faces expressing emotions. When they had to choose the word that described the emotion ("angry", "scared"), activity in the amygdala, a region involved in detecting threats, decreased, while an area of the prefrontal cortex became more active (Lieberman et al., 2007). Other studies show that naming what we feel often reduces the distress we experience, although the effect varies from person to person and from one situation to another (Torre and Lieberman, 2018).
Suppressing emotions comes at a cost. Holding back the expression of an emotion leaves the emotion itself intact: we feel it just as much, the body becomes more activated (heart rate, tension), we remember less of what is happening in the moment, and relationships can suffer. Looking at the situation from a different angle, by contrast, reduces the negative emotion without these effects (Gross, 2002). Holding back can sometimes be useful; relying on it as our main strategy, however, ends up being costly.
In other words, the path lies between letting everything explode and holding everything in: welcoming, understanding, then choosing what we do with our emotion.
A four-step exercise
When an emotion rises, try this, even for just a minute:
- Pause. Take a moment before reacting: put down whatever you are holding, breathe slowly, feel your feet on the ground.
- Feel. Where does the emotion sit in your body? Your throat, chest, stomach, jaw? What is its temperature, its shape?
- Name it. Find a word, even an approximate one: "I'm angry", "I'm scared", "I'm sad". Naming often helps to bring the intensity down a little. If the intensity stays high, that is normal: simply move on to the next step.
- Listen to the need. What is this emotion telling me? What do I need right now: rest, comfort, to set a boundary, to ask for help?
With practice, this short pause becomes more natural. Keeping a notebook in which you write down your emotions and what triggered them also helps you to spot your own patterns.
When to ask for help
Emotions are part of life, but it is worth seeing a doctor, psychologist or psychotherapist if:
- your emotions often overwhelm you and damage your relationships or your work;
- on the contrary, you have felt empty or cut off from yourself for a long time;
- sadness or a loss of interest lasts for more than two weeks: see Depression: understanding what is happening and what genuinely helps;
- your reactions seem linked to painful events in the past.
Depending on the situation, cognitive behavioural therapies and mindfulness-based approaches help people to understand and regulate their emotions better. When traumatic memories are involved, trauma-focused therapies, such as EMDR or certain forms of CBT, are recommended.
Need help now?
Suicidal thoughts: contact a crisis line: 988 (US/Canada), Samaritans 116 123 (UK and Ireland), or find a local helpline at findahelpline.com. In France: 3114, free and confidential, 24/7, including for family and friends.
Immediate danger: call your local emergency number (999 in the UK, 911 in North America, 112 in the EU).
Key points
- Emotions are useful messages: each one has its place.
- Fatigue, stress and trauma make the alarm system more sensitive.
- Naming an emotion often helps to bring its intensity down.
- Suppressed emotions remain present and take a toll on the body, memory and relationships.
- Pause, feel, name it, listen to the need: a simple exercise to practise every day.
References
- Gross, J.J. (2002) 'Emotion regulation: affective, cognitive, and social consequences', Psychophysiology, 39(3), pp. 281–291. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1017/S0048577201393198.
- Lieberman, M.D., Eisenberger, N.I., Crockett, M.J., Tom, S.M., Pfeifer, J.H. and Way, B.M. (2007) 'Putting feelings into words: affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli', Psychological Science, 18(5), pp. 421–428. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x.
- Torre, J.B. and Lieberman, M.D. (2018) 'Putting feelings into words: affect labeling as implicit emotion regulation', Emotion Review, 10(2), pp. 116–124. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073917742706.
This article offers general guidance, up to date at the date of publication. It is no substitute for the advice of a doctor, who alone can make a diagnosis, or for support from a psychologist or psychotherapist.
