On social media, the "narcissistic pervert" has become ubiquitous, portrayed in turn as a monster, a vampire or a predator incapable of change. These images resonate with many people who have suffered in a toxic relationship, and they have had one real merit: bringing long-invisible suffering into the light. They are best complemented by what research has established, to help those who are trying to understand what they went through, to be believed or to protect themselves. Here are five common beliefs, set against what the research actually allows us to say.

1. "The narcissistic pervert is a diagnosis"

This is a very widespread idea. The expression "narcissistic pervert" (pervers narcissique) comes from French psychoanalysis: Paul-Claude Racamier coined it to describe a form of psychic functioning, and Marie-France Hirigoyen popularised it in 1998 in Le harcèlement moral [Moral harassment] (Hirigoyen, 1998). It appears in no medical classification, neither in the American Psychiatric Association's DSM-5-TR nor in the World Health Organization's ICD-11.

What does exist is narcissistic personality disorder: an excessive need for admiration, a sense of superiority and a lack of empathy, present in a lasting way across many areas of life (American Psychiatric Association, 2022). It is much rarer than social media would suggest: a systematic review of general population studies puts its prevalence between 0 and 6.2%, with an average of around 1% (Dhawan et al., 2010). And it can only be diagnosed after an in-depth clinical assessment of the person themselves, never from a distance.

Researchers also study what they call the "Dark Triad": narcissism, Machiavellianism (a tendency to manipulate) and psychopathy, three distinct but related personality traits, present to varying degrees across the whole population (Paulhus and Williams, 2002; Furnham et al., 2013). In other words, manipulation belongs to no special category of "monsters": it consists of behaviours, more or less frequent and more or less serious, which can occur with or without a personality disorder. Conversely, a narcissistic person is not necessarily abusive.

3. "If it were really that bad, she would leave"

This is the sentence people in this situation hear most often, and one of the most hurtful. It rests on a false idea: that people stay out of weakness or complacency. Research on trauma bonding shows, on the contrary, that the unpredictable alternation of tenderness and mistreatment, in an unequal relationship, strengthens attachment rather than weakening it (Dutton and Painter, 1993). Two signs are common: making excuses for the other person ("he's stressed", "she had a difficult childhood") and feeling an intense, almost physical sense of loss at every attempt to separate.

On top of this come very concrete obstacles: fear, children, money, housing, and the gradual isolation that has cut the person off from their sources of support. And one point that is too often forgotten: leaving is a time of risk. A large case-control study conducted in eleven US cities showed that separation, particularly from a highly controlling partner, is among the factors associated with intimate partner homicide (Campbell et al., 2003). The lesson is that leaving needs to be prepared, ideally with the help of professionals.

To explore these mechanisms further, see our article on the dynamics of coercive control and manipulation.

5. "All you have to do is stop reacting"

The so-called "grey rock" method consists of responding briefly, neutrally and factually, so as to offer no foothold for provocation. It is very widely shared, particularly for managing unavoidable contact, for example when co-parenting:

It is important to be clear, however: this method has never been scientifically evaluated. It is a practical tool, to be used with discernment. It is ill-suited to living together, it requires cutting yourself off from your emotions, which is exhausting, and it can provoke escalation in someone frustrated at no longer getting a reaction. It combines usefully with communication rules set in advance (a single channel, written messages, topics limited to the children) and, where necessary, with arrangements set by a court.

Clinical vignette

A fictional case, composed from common clinical situations.

Léa, 38, seeks help a year after her separation. She says straight away: "I'm probably partly to blame, I'm too sensitive." She has watched dozens of videos about "narcissistic perverts" and wonders whether her ex-partner is one. The first sessions focus on facts rather than on that question: her phone checked every evening, the friends she stopped seeing, the arguments he would later claim had never happened.

Putting precise words to these behaviours helps her move out of doubt. She also suffers from nightmares and jumps at the sound of a notification. After a stabilisation phase, EMDR therapy targets the most intrusive memories. A few months later, she sums it up: "I no longer need to know what he is. I know what I lived through."

References

1. American Psychiatric Association (2022). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed., text revision, DSM-5-TR). Washington, DC: APA.
2. Babcock, J. C., Green, C. E., & Robie, C. (2004). Does batterers’ treatment work? A meta-analytic review of domestic violence treatment. Clinical Psychology Review, 23(8), 1023-1053. Link
3. Campbell, J. C., et al. (2003). Risk factors for femicide in abusive relationships: Results from a multisite case control study. American Journal of Public Health, 93(7), 1089-1097. Link
4. Dhawan, N., Kunik, M. E., Oldham, J., & Coverdale, J. (2010). Prevalence and treatment of narcissistic personality disorder in the community: A systematic review. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 51(4), 333-339. Link
5. Dokkedahl, S. B., Kirubakaran, R., Bech-Hansen, D., Kristensen, T. R., & Elklit, A. (2022). The psychological subtype of intimate partner violence and its effect on mental health: A systematic review with meta-analyses. Systematic Reviews, 11, 163. Link
6. Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105-120.
7. Furnham, A., Richards, S. C., & Paulhus, D. L. (2013). The Dark Triad of personality: A 10 year review. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 7(3), 199-216.
8. Hirigoyen, M.-F. (1998). Le harcèlement moral : la violence perverse au quotidien [Moral harassment: perverse violence in everyday life]. Paris: Syros.
9. Paulhus, D. L., & Williams, K. M. (2002). The Dark Triad of personality: Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. Journal of Research in Personality, 36(6), 556-563.
10. Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. New York: Oxford University Press.
11. Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851-875. Link
12. Watzlawick, P., Beavin, J. H., & Jackson, D. D. (1967). Pragmatics of Human Communication. New York: Norton. French translation: Une logique de la communication, Seuil, 1972.
13. World Health Organization (2013). Responding to intimate partner violence and sexual violence against women: WHO clinical and policy guidelines. Geneva: WHO.
14. French Civil Code, articles 515-9 et seq. (protection orders); French Penal Code, article 222-33-2-1 (harassment within a couple).

This article offers general guidance, up to date at the date of publication. It is no substitute for the advice of a doctor, who alone can make a diagnosis, or for support from a psychologist or psychotherapist.