TIRCIA · General public
Coercive control: understanding it to break free
How it takes hold, why it is so hard to leave, and what research tells us
By Marie-Agnès Thulliez · Author · Publishing Director12-minute read
There is a great deal of talk about "coercive control" and "narcissistic perverts". Behind these words lies a well-documented reality: psychological abuse within a couple, often invisible from the outside, can cause lasting harm to mental health. Understanding how it takes hold, why it is so hard to leave and what we know about its effects helps people put words to what they have lived through, and find help.
At a glance
- Coercive control rests on a pattern of behaviours: isolation, belittling, control, and alternating tenderness and harshness.
- The expression "narcissistic pervert" ("pervers narcissique", widely used in French) comes from psychoanalysis and does not appear in medical classifications: describing precisely the behaviours you have experienced makes it easier to be heard and supported.
- Psychological abuse is strongly associated with post-traumatic stress, depression and anxiety.
- Recovery is possible. Safety comes first, then appropriate support; psychological therapies reduce depression and anxiety in particular.
1. What are we talking about?
The French term emprise describes a situation in which one person gradually takes control of another's inner life: their thoughts, their choices, the way they see themselves. Researchers speak of psychological abuse and coercive control, a concept put forward by the sociologist Evan Stark: a pattern of behaviours which, taken together, deprive the other person of their freedom, even when there is no physical violence (Stark, 2007).
This concept has had legal consequences. In England and Wales, "controlling or coercive behaviour" in an intimate relationship has been a criminal offence since 2015. In France, the notion of "emprise" (psychological hold) entered the law in 2020: a doctor may now report domestic violence without the victim's consent when they consider that the victim is in immediate danger and under the perpetrator's control (article 226-14 of the French Criminal Code, as amended by the law of 30 July 2020).
And the "narcissistic pervert"?
The expression comes from the psychoanalyst Paul-Claude Racamier, who spoke of "narcissistic perversion", and was popularised by Marie-France Hirigoyen (1998). It resonates with many people, but it does not appear as a diagnosis in medical classifications (DSM-5-TR, ICD-11).
For the person who has lived under coercive control, what matters most is recognising the behaviours they experienced and their effects. This is also what allows them to be heard by a professional or by the courts.
2. A common phenomenon
According to World Health Organization estimates, around one in four women who have ever had a partner have experienced physical or sexual violence from that partner at least once in their lifetime (Sardinha et al., 2022). Psychological abuse, which is harder to measure, is even more widespread and almost always accompanies the other forms of violence. Men can also be victims, although the most severe violence mainly affects women.
3. How coercive control takes hold
Coercive control rarely builds up all at once. It takes hold little by little, often after a phase of intense seduction. The behaviours most often described are the following:
| Behaviour | What it looks like | Effect on the person |
|---|---|---|
| Isolation | Criticising friends and family, making outings complicated, stirring up conflict with those around them | Loss of support and of outside points of comparison |
| Belittling | Hurtful remarks, often presented as humour or "for your own good" | Lower self-esteem, shame |
| Distorting reality (gaslighting) | Denying facts, rewriting memories, reversing roles ("you're the one hurting me") | Doubting one's memory and judgement, confusion |
| Control | Monitoring the phone, money, movements, clothing | Loss of autonomy, feeling trapped |
| Hot and cold | Moments of tenderness and apology between periods of coldness or anger | Hope that "things will go back to how they were", strengthened attachment |
| Threats | Threats to leave, to self-harm, to keep the children, to reveal intimate things | Fear, feeling of having no choice |
Gaslighting, named after a 1944 film in which a husband makes his wife believe she is losing her mind, has been studied by the sociologist Paige Sweet: she shows that it often draws on stereotypes, such as the idea that a woman is "too emotional", to make the other person's word less credible (Sweet, 2019).
As early as 1979, the psychologist Lenore Walker described a three-stage "cycle of violence": tension building, explosion, then reconciliation, often called the "honeymoon" phase (Walker, 1979). This model helps many people recognise what they are going through, but not every abusive relationship follows this pattern, and control can be constant with no visible crisis phase.
4. Why is it so hard to leave?
"Why doesn't she just leave?" is a question that the people affected often hear, and one that adds to their guilt. Research offers several answers.
The psychologists Donald Dutton and Susan Painter described traumatic bonding: when a relationship combines a strong imbalance of power with an unpredictable alternation of good and bad times, attachment grows stronger instead of weaker (Dutton and Painter, 1981). Their study of women who had left a violent partner showed that the intensity of attachment after separation was linked to these two factors (Dutton and Painter, 1993). One sometimes reads that this bond is a chemical "addiction" to cortisol or dopamine: this hypothesis has yet to be demonstrated in humans.
On top of this come very practical reasons: fear, children, financial dependence, isolation, shame. And one important fact: the period of separation is often the most dangerous. A large American study of femicides showed that the risk increases when a woman leaves a highly controlling partner (Campbell et al., 2003). Leaving needs to be prepared, ideally with the help of professionals.
5. What are the effects on mental health?
Psychological abuse rarely leaves visible marks, but its effects are real and measurable:
- A 2022 systematic review brought together 194 studies, 149 of which were analysed together: psychological abuse within a couple is strongly associated with post-traumatic stress, depression and anxiety. The strongest link concerns post-traumatic stress, in women and men alike, and coercive control is particularly associated with it in women (Dokkedahl et al., 2022). The authors nevertheless rate the quality of the evidence as still low: many studies cannot establish a cause-and-effect relationship.
- An earlier review had already found these associations, along with an increased risk of suicidal thoughts (Lagdon et al., 2014).
- Prolonged stress can also show itself in the body: sleep problems, pain, digestive problems, fatigue.
Many people also describe a form of detachment: feeling "outside themselves", no longer feeling very much. This phenomenon, called dissociation, can be a way of protecting oneself in a situation one cannot escape. It is worth discussing with a professional trained in psychotraumatology.
6. Rebuilding your life
The first step is safety. As long as the abuse continues, in-depth therapeutic work is difficult. The priority is to get to a safe place, find support again and learn about your rights.
If this concerns you
If you are in immediate danger: call your local emergency number (999 in the UK, 911 in North America, 112 in the EU). In France: 17 or 112, or text 114 if you cannot speak.
To be listened to and guided: contact your local domestic abuse helpline or victim support service, for example the National Domestic Abuse Helpline in the UK (0808 2000 247, free, 24/7) or the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the US (1-800-799-7233). In France: 3919 (Violences Femmes Info), free and available day and night, and 116 006 (France Victimes), for all victims, men included.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, or are worried about someone close to you: contact a crisis line: 988 (US/Canada), Samaritans 116 123 (UK and Ireland), or find a local helpline at findahelpline.com. In France: 3114. If children are exposed to the violence, contact your local child protection services (in the UK, NSPCC 0808 800 5000; in France, 119).
In France, the website arretonslesviolences.gouv.fr also allows you to report violence online.
Once safety has been restored, psychological support helps make sense of what has been lived through, regain trust in one's own perceptions and rebuild safe relationships. A Cochrane review of 33 trials involving more than 5,500 women concludes that psychological therapies probably reduce depression and may reduce anxiety; their effects on post-traumatic stress are less clear (Hameed et al., 2020). Where symptoms of post-traumatic stress are present, the World Health Organization recommends trauma-focused therapies, such as trauma-focused cognitive behavioural therapy or EMDR therapy, delivered by trained professionals (WHO, 2013).
Take the example of Nadia, 41 (a fictional situation, inspired by common experiences). For eight years, her partner controlled her spending, criticised her friends, then convinced her that she "blew everything out of proportion". After an argument in which he threatened her, she calls a domestic violence helpline (3919 in France), which refers her to a support organisation. She prepares her departure with a legal adviser, obtains a protection order, then begins therapy. In the first months, she still doubts her memories. Little by little, by piecing the facts back together and working on the most traumatic moments, she regains trust in her own judgement.
To understand the difference between coercive control and the ordinary conflicts of a couple, see also our article on the Karpman drama triangle, and on common misconceptions about manipulation.
Frequently asked questions
How can I tell whether it is coercive control or a relationship in difficulty?
In a conflict, even a harsh one, each person can express themselves and keeps their freedom. Under coercive control, one person repeatedly controls the other, and the other is afraid, feels watched or starts to doubt themselves. If you recognise yourself in several of the behaviours in the table, it is worth talking to a professional.
Can men be victims of coercive control?
Yes. Women are more often affected by severe domestic violence, but research shows that psychological abuse also affects men's mental health (Dokkedahl et al., 2022).
Should I cut off all contact?
Where possible, keeping contact to a strict minimum helps you break free. When there are children in common, there are ways of structuring exchanges: a lawyer or a victim support organisation can advise you.
Can I regain my self-confidence afterwards?
Yes. It takes time, but most people gradually find their bearings again, especially when they are supported by those around them and accompanied by a professional.
In a nutshell
Coercive control is a mechanism of domination that can affect anyone, however strong and intelligent they may be.
Recognising it, getting to safety and finding support are the first steps towards rebuilding your life.
References
- Campbell, J. C., et al. (2003). Risk factors for femicide in abusive relationships: Results from a multisite case control study. American Journal of Public Health, 93(7), 1089-1097. Link
- Dokkedahl, S. B., Kirubakaran, R., Bech-Hansen, D., Kristensen, T. R., & Elklit, A. (2022). The psychological subtype of intimate partner violence and its effect on mental health: A systematic review with meta-analyses. Systematic Reviews, 11, 163. Link
- Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. L. (1981). Traumatic bonding: The development of emotional attachments in battered women and other relationships of intermittent abuse. Victimology, 6, 139-155.
- Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105-120.
- Hameed, M., O’Doherty, L., Gilchrist, G., et al. (2020). Psychological therapies for women who experience intimate partner violence. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews, (7), CD013017.
- Hirigoyen, M.-F. (1998). Le harcèlement moral : la violence perverse au quotidien [Moral harassment: perverse violence in everyday life]. Paris: Syros.
- Lagdon, S., Armour, C., & Stringer, M. (2014). Adult experience of mental health outcomes as a result of intimate partner violence victimisation: A systematic review. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 5, 24794. Link
- Sardinha, L., Maheu-Giroux, M., Stöckl, H., Meyer, S. R., & García-Moreno, C. (2022). Global, regional, and national prevalence estimates of physical or sexual, or both, intimate partner violence against women in 2018. The Lancet, 399(10327), 803-813.
- Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. New York: Oxford University Press.
- Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851-875.
- Walker, L. E. (1979). The Battered Woman. New York: Harper & Row.
- World Health Organization (2013). Responding to intimate partner violence and sexual violence against women: WHO clinical and policy guidelines. Geneva: WHO. Link
- Loi n° 2020-936 du 30 juillet 2020 visant à protéger les victimes de violences conjugales [French Law no. 2020-936 of 30 July 2020 to protect victims of domestic violence]; article 226-14 du Code pénal [French Criminal Code]. Serious Crime Act 2015 (United Kingdom), section 76.
This article offers general guidance, up to date at the date of publication. It is no substitute for the advice of a doctor, who alone can make a diagnosis, for support from a psychologist or psychotherapist, or for the guidance of a victim support organisation.
