After a separation, most people gradually feel better over the weeks and months. For others, the pain settles in: intrusive thoughts, an overwhelming urge to get back in touch, guilt, a sense of being unable to move on. This is an understandable reaction, and it has its reasons. Here is what research helps us to understand, what is still a clinical hypothesis, and what can help.

2. "Craving": a reality in the brain

After a breakup, many people describe an overwhelming urge to call, to write, to check the other person's social media, even when they know the relationship was hurting them. A brain imaging study observed 15 people who had recently been left but were still deeply attached, while they looked at a photo of their former partner (Fisher et al., 2010). The regions activated were those involved in motivation and reward, those of the intense wanting seen in addiction, and those of pain and distress. The researchers see this as a specific form of addiction.

This finding should be kept in proportion: the study is small, and speaking of "addiction" is an analogy rather than a diagnosis. But it helps to explain why a simple rational decision ("I won't call any more") is so hard to stick to. In the same study, the more time had passed since the breakup, the less active an area linked to attachment became. Little by little, the brain learns to let go.

Social media keeps this craving alive. In a study of 464 people, those who often looked at their former partner's profile reported more breakup-related distress, more longing and nostalgia for the other person, and less personal growth, independently of face-to-face contact (Marshall, 2012). The study is correlational: it does not prove that monitoring causes distress, and the two probably feed each other. But each glance works like a small "dose" that rekindles the craving.

4. Idealisation: protecting the image of the other

After a relationship marked by coercive control or violence, some people can only remember the good times. They defend their former partner, minimise what they went through, and sometimes go back to them. The psychologists Dolores Mosquera and Jim Knipe have described this phenomenon as an idealisation defence. In their view, it is often learned in childhood, with attachment figures who failed to provide care, when acknowledging reality would be unbearable and escape is impossible (Mosquera and Knipe, 2017).

In adulthood, this defence goes on protecting the image of the partner, at the expense of the person's own safety. The authors propose, in EMDR therapy, working on the positive memories that sustain idealisation, in order to arrive at a more accurate view of the relationship. Their article is based on three clinical cases: it is an interesting avenue for clinical work that has yet to be evaluated as a method.

One experiment sheds light on this work on idealisation. People who had recently been left looked at photos of their former partner while applying different strategies. Recalling the partner's flaws reduced feelings of love, but also made them sadder in the moment (Langeslag and Sanchez, 2018). The study is small (24 participants) and measures only immediate effects. Yet it echoes a clinical reality: looking at the relationship clearly helps us to let go, though it often hurts at first. This pain is part of the journey.

6. Starting with the present

In 2022, two clinicians proposed an adaptation of EMDR specifically for difficult breakups, the Break-Up Aid Procedure (BUAP), in three stages (Rodríguez-Garay and Mosquera, 2022). Their central idea: when current distress is very high, with insomnia, obsessive thoughts and a constant urge to get back in touch, it is better to start by soothing the present and the most recent events, before exploring the older experiences that made the person vulnerable.

This logic matches what many therapists do in practice. But it needs to be said clearly: the BUAP is a clinical proposal, published without effectiveness data. No trial has yet evaluated whether it does better than other approaches.

For therapists who wish to explore this approach further, TIRCIA offers a dedicated programme: Quand le lien se rompt: treating traumatic breakups (in French).

Clinical vignette

A fictional case, composed from common clinical situations.

Inès, 33, seeks help four months after being left by text message, after six years of living together. She sleeps badly, checks her ex-partner's profile every evening and keeps telling herself: "if I had been less demanding, he would have stayed". She is ashamed of feeling so bad "over a mere breakup".

The first sessions focus on the present: understanding the craving, deciding to hide her ex's profile, getting back into a sleep routine. The EMDR work first targets the most recent and most vivid moment, reading the breakup message: disturbance at 8 out of 10, belief "I don't matter". Over the sessions, the intensity decreases. An older memory then emerges: at the age of 7, her father leaving without explanation. This memory becomes the next target.

Three months later, Inès still thinks about her ex, but without rushing to her phone. The belief "I don't matter" has given way to "I have the right to matter to someone". Her guilt has turned into more nuanced regrets: she sees what she could have done differently, and what was beyond her control.

Frequently asked questions

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

There is no normal length of time. In studies, recovery is gradual, with ups and downs. The warning sign lies less in the duration itself than in suffering that does not lessen at all, or that stops you from living.

Should you stay friends with your ex?

It is entirely possible, but the data suggest that contact, at least in the first few weeks, keeps attachment and sadness alive. Taking some distance at the start often makes a calmer relationship easier later on, if you want one.

Can you really be "addicted" to someone?

Not in the diagnostic sense. But the craving after a breakup involves brain circuits similar to those of addiction, which explains how intense the urge to get back in touch can be.

Is EMDR effective for breakups?

EMDR has proven its worth in post-traumatic stress. For breakups, there are clinical proposals, such as the BUAP, but no published trials yet. A breakup experienced as traumatic, or marked by violence, may nevertheless warrant trauma-focused therapy.

Should you block your ex on social media?

It is a choice rather than an obligation, but it is often helpful at first. Regularly checking the other person's profile is associated with more distress and more nostalgia. Hiding or muting their profile, without necessarily blocking it, may be enough to break this cycle.